He's a charmer!

I wonder what Danny Glover thinks of all this?

CLICK HERE to hear Mel reading love poems to the mother of his child.

See ya later Shitty!

Bad news for Hayden Panettiere. NBC has canceled her (briefly successful) TV show ‘HEROES’ after 3 seasons.

When asked about her future plans she said “I’m not too worried about it… As long as ‘Law & Order’ exists, talented actors like myself will find a way to keep working.”

The Odor of Inner Beauty

An insanely photo-shopped Jessica Simpson is releasing a new fragrance called “FANCY NIGHTS”.

The smell is described as a bouquet of Flowers, Ham, Fried Cheese, & Desperation.

Who ever said "lies hurt" was a fool.

Earlier today a topless photo of Harry Potter star ‘Emma Watson’ leaked onto the web. Shortly after a statement was made by her reps saying “It's clearly a fake.”

So I think the big question now is... do I or don't I proceed?

How on Earth is this News?

America is shocked by a “racy” video that has surfaced of a young Miley Cyrus dancing and grinding into the crotch of openly homosexual Adam Shankman, at a wrap party last year.

I’m all for Miley bashing because she’s a self absorbed precocious little kid who consistently strives to present herself as a 10 despite the fact that she’s clearly a 4 (at best.) She's about as sexually appealing as a mom wiping muck from the side of your mouth with a spit drenched kleenex, so the idea that this video is “shocking” or “too sexual” is ridiculous.

When I was 15 years old I was getting blowjobs in the forest near my high school and taking the virginity of attractive girls while their parents briefly stepped out for 15 minutes to buy a carton of milk at the grocery store.

So if you really think about the Miley video, I think you'll agree that I was pretty fantastic.

More Tiger Texts...

Tiger Woods swing coach 'Hank Haney' resigned his position on Monday night via text message. Tiger swiftly texted him back “I want to feel my cock scraping your tonsils.”

Moments later he texted again “Sorry… force of habit.”

Guns N' Posers

On Monday Slash will perform on Ellen alongside Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine.

This is a real score for Slash… If Levine isn’t already working with the likes of Maroon 5, Alicia Keys, Kanye West, Ying Yang Twins, K’naan, Natasha Bedingfield, The 80 nim rods that took part in the ‘We Are The World 2’ recording, or Andy Samberg… He’s almost never willing to water down his artistic integrity with other performers. And why would he? It’s not like he has some desperate need to be famous in the forefront of his mind.

In & Out...

Tiger Woods just withdrew from the The Players Championship… reducing his chances of impregnating it… A classic player move!

SICK.

I’ve been feeling somewhat sick all day today so I’m not too connected with what’s going on in the world.

I tried to scroll through the web and find something funny to write about, but all I found was this picture of Oprah shaving Dr Phils’ salt stained lip fur... Now I just feel twice as sick.

Bigger HILLS!

‘Heidi Montag’ recently underwent a plethora of cosmetic-surgeries (including a ‘Double D’ breast augmentation.) Now Heidi is claiming that she already intends going to Europe for even more surgery to further increase her breast size.

Many people are concerned that her addiction to surgery is rooted in self-hatred and a possible addiction to pain medications, and they’re probably right… but I say ‘GO FOR IT!’ Because I desperately need a reason to justify why I even know this retards name.

George knew all along!

Funny (strike that… hilariously funny) man George Lopez states while almost no-one was aware of Sandra Bullocks’ secret adoption process, he was “in the know” the whole time.

In fact he even suggested a full list of hilarious baby names including “Taco”, “Gringo”, “Tequila” & “Hector the gardener” … at first no one really got the jokes but then George repeated the list by yelling it twice as loud. Then everyone started howling in laughter.

The man is a comic genius!

HOLY SHIT!!!

This is just awful. I can not find my baseball cap. Has anyone seen it? I want to go grab a coffee from the corner store but I am in no mood to comb my bed head yet. This is fucking brutal... Is it too much to ask for things to run a bit smoother for me?

Oh shit, my mistake. I’m wearing my cap. Thank God!

Oh hey… Lawrence Taylor just got arrested for rape?

Stars HELP Causes.

Today Katherine Heigl made a public statement urging people to “help bring animal abusers to justice” after she helped save a dog who had been cruelly treated by its owner.

It’s incredible how so many talented actors find the time to support these causes during the most thriving & busy periods of their careers. It’s truly inspiring in that they have absolutely nothing to gain from the media exposure.

Heigl’s public statement today was probably the most selfless act by a huge star since Jennifer Love Hewitt’s involvement with the Environmental Justice Foundation or Hayden Panettiere’s frontline activism to save the dolphins.

Thank god these wonderful people felt the need to get involved with these very public problems or else none of them would have ever been solved.

A crying shame...

VIVID Entertainment announced today that they will be releasing a celebrity sex tape starring Kendra Wilkinson. The tape was supposedly shot with an unidentified male several years ago before she found fame.

What a drag for Kendra. If she’s not careful, pretty soon she’ll only be famous for a slutty reputation. It would be a real blow if that overshadowed all of her hard work.

How unfair.

I have always felt bad for Christina Hendricks. It’s a really sad state of affairs when an actress struggles to establish herself in the ultra competitive world of acting. And even when she finally breaks through and ends up doing great work on one of the most acclaimed programs on television, all people can do is talk about her tits… Her unbelievably amazing tits! Excuse me for a minute… I have to go take care of something.

Oh Wally...

‘Big Love’ star Ginnifer Goodwin has just been cast as ‘The Beav’ for a large screen version of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ … What? No she hasn’t? Oh… well you explain this then?

Wedding renewal of the century!

This past Saturday Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey were in Las Vegas to create another headline that no one gives a shit about.

When asked for a comment, Mariah said “I’m so…” then suddenly someone won $10 on a slot machine a few feet away and everyone ran over to bask in the joy!

Cunty Finger, Country Singer

Today some chick that I’ve never heard of named Chely Wright made HUGE headlines by announcing her homosexuality. With this declaration she has become the first openly gay country star.

Now’s as good a time as any to admit that I too am a lesbian - - - for interviews and cover stories, all media outlets can reach me here!

BoneRs

After a former mistress threatened to alert the media of their affair, David Boreanaz (of the TV show: Bones) has publicly admitted to cheating on his wife of nearly nine years, Jaime Bergman.

In an equally compelling story, I clipped my toe-nails today.

How soon can I get a ticket!?

The elite entertainment station “E” confirms that Lindsay Lohan is set to portray porn legend Linda Lovelace, in the new flick Inferno.

Directors instantly saw the value of casting Lohan, when it occurred to them how much money they wouldn’t have to spend on costumes and make-up to achieve the look of a used up cum dump.

Everyone's funnier than Jay.

It’s fair to argue that Barack Obama had access to some of the best writers in the world to help craft his comical speech for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was this past weekend. What’s hard to argue is how his delivery was drastically funnier thadn Jay Leno’s who’s entire career is based on the ability to deliver laughter night after night.

After the dinner Jeff Zucker screamed out “I voted for McCain” and then gave Jay a raise.

Oh the excitement!

The former Fall Out Boy lead singer ‘Fat Bastard' is preparing to release his first solo album which he describes as “outsider folk music.”

It’s uncertain which label will release the project but with the current market demand for an unmemorable balding front man with meaningless material, it’s a near certainty that some industry genius will lose a bunch of money on this fairly soon.

When asked to comment on their own future musical plans the other 3 F.O.B members said they too were excited to start new projects as soon as they learn how to play.

BABES!!! Wait... Why am I flacid?

Halle Berry, Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba recently took part in the EIF Revlon Run/Walk For Women.

Never before have so many aesthetically beautiful women with such little sexuality been assembled for one event.

If they wanted to bring even more star power to the walk they should have promoted it more accurately by naming it “The blow-jobs are for birthdays only - walk for prudes.”

Due to scheduling conflicts, Shania Twain was unable to attend.

Uh-oh... what now?

WWE Diva 'Mickie James' has been released from the company.

When asked about her future plans she said “I’m either going to be a bartender or a bathroom attendant. During my years in the ring I’ve watched thousands of people seek out both during my matches… clearly that’s where the real money is!”

Something for everyone!

KeSha's facebook page has racked up a whopping 537999 FANS.

Also... Family Watchdog states that there are currently 3157991 sex offenders in the U.S

There is no shortage of popular trends to enjoy!

I've taken shits that were more entertaining!

This is MGMT on SNL last week.

It used to take great songs and incredible energy to garner mass exposure... now it takes an old suit from a thrift store and a pulse.

With the performance above, It's now officially acceptable for every barely talented high school kid with a shitty band to complain out loud about the injustice of their own awful band not having a record deal.

Way to go boys!